Crap Shoot Read online

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  The Flying Saucer hovered inches over a Mercedes, its disc extending over the road on one side and the canyon on the other. It was humming to itself and a series of lines that seemed to radiate from the central sphere were moving, spinning around the disc though this was an optical illusion caused by the internal Spindizzy which warped space and time.

  The crowd was pushing forward but careful to not approach to closely, not after seeing what Yuri had done to one very large man who had tossed a can over the fence into the Grand Canyon. He was still whimpering on the rocks at their feet, trying to breath, vomit and void all the same time but unable to do anything. The crown was watching and taking pictures and included four Park Rangers who, though armed, were too scared to enforce order and just watched, called for back-up and instructions and in one case, his mother.

  The two were speaking in English, the taller alien having surprisingly European features and a Southern drawl, the smaller more Asian with a standard Mid-Western Twang despite their green skin, monkey’s tail, cat-eyes and other features. “It is beautiful.”

  Y: “Very. Too bad people have to mess it up,” she looked at the man who was so large he could have lifted them both with one hand and kicked him again. He just curled up tighter and whimpered like a beaten puppy. “You know he’s going to kill us?”

  K: “I don’t think so.”

  Y: Turning and leaning against the fence, then smiling at the tourists who continued to take pictures of the duo… from a safe distance, asked “How can you be certain. We drugged him, threw him overboard onto a barbaric planet and stole his ship. Hell! I’d kill us.”

  K: “We buy his good graces.”

  Y: “With what? Promises of good behavior and hot sex?”

  K: “With them,” she pointed with her tail to a group of Catholic Schoolgirls in uniform who were resisting the attempts of their teachers and one elderly nun to pull them back. The entire group took a step back at those words then forward to hear more. Being potentially abducted by aliens was one thing, but missing an opportunity to observe them action was worth the risk.

  Y: “Could work. All men have that schoolgirl fantasy. Even I do though mine are about Japanese schoolgirls. Think he’d mind if we joined in?”

  Yuri approached the group then pointed to a Ranger who had started to reach for his handgun, “DON’T!” she snapped. He backed off. Then smiling, “Hey girls, anyone want to crew a spaceship and see the stars? How about an orgy in zero-gravity?”

  This was totally different from what they had expected. You hear of stories about aliens abducting people for anal probes and medical experiments. You hear about aliens implanting eggs into unwilling victims and you watch bad movies about aliens that look like giant carrots kidnapping beautiful women to supposedly ravish (always rescued at the last moment by the handsome hero) but you do NOT hear about some intergalactic Employment Agency recruiting Catholic Schoolgirls on the Rim of the Grand Canyon to be hookers.

  Y: “Here’s the deal. We’re what you would call… crooks. Smugglers, con-jobs, the occasional bank robbery or assassination and when desperate, honest work like exploring and bounty-hunting and shuttling people between planets. But we ran into a problem. We kinda tried to steal the wrong thing from the wrong people and they’re after us. So to stay alive, we need to retrieve Arlin who originally recruited us. But there’s a problem..”

  K: “What she means is that we stole his starship and dumped him here in Earth and he’s probably really pissed off with us right now so if we toss him a fantasy, the Catholic Schoolgirl fantasy..”

  Y: “Please, Mister Arlin, don’t call my parents! I’ll so anything to pass geometry,” Yuri mimicked a young girls voice as she played with the zipper of her jumpsuit.

  The nun pulled her charge back but every time she got one back, the others would push forward and when she pulled another, the first would return. It was a useless attempt to restore order but she tried and snapped, “I’ll not have my innocent girls kidnapped by some moneys from another planet for God-knows what!”

  “Innocent,” Kay laughed. “They’re as innocent as I was when Father Davis caught me at Band Camp in Waco when I was fifteen.” That confession stopped the old woman. Pedophile priests had always been a problem in the Church but to hear that they were also molesting alien girls was news.

  Then Kay continued. “We need about two girls, preferably bi-sexual,” then to Yuri who stared back, “Hey, love, think of it as a gift to you!” Then continued to the group, louder, “and here are the requirements. Seventeen and older. Arlin’s people sees 15 as legal-age-of-consent but I’d rather you be older. Intelligent, you MUST be intelligent and open-minded. Willing to travel to the stars and NOT panic or shoot off your weapons when a giant spider approaches and says ‘hello, we come in peace’. Crew that ship over there,” she pointed and very few looked, “And most of all, sexual. As you can see, we’re not human and if we don’t get laid regularly, we die. So your duties will include learning to fly the starship and servicing Arlin.”

  “And,” Yuri added, “Not be very honest or religious. We are criminals after all,’ she smiled.

  “Not religious, Yuri? Look who we’re hiring?”

  “Kay, these are CATHOLIC schoolgirls, between the Pope and that Nun and their priests, they are already borderline atheists. Yes,” to the group, “Christianity is illegal out there in space so you cannot be practicing. Atheist is ok, Agnostic is better, Pagan is ok too. Also be a good cook and half-way clean! So, who’s interested?”

  About half the school came forward along with a dozen women and even some male tourists. Yuri waved her hand and a ‘wall’ of something appeared to stop the rush. Then the alien duo walked along the edge pointing and calling, “You! And you! No, not you,” and those chosen were able to walk through the barrier with naught but a slight crackling.

  Most they rejected because they smoked and you simply cannot have any addictions aboard a starship that would foul the filters or alter reality during travel or get the crew executed on an alien planet. Yuri and Kay may be smugglers but smuggling drugs was guaranteed execution while smuggling almost anything else was only a fine or prison sentence. The men they rejected simply because, “Sorry boys, Kay and I are gay and Arlin is very possessive. Even try to touch one of his women and he’d throw you out the airlock with the woman who let you touch them.” It wasn’t true but better than the truth for Kay did want to watch Arlin with another man, it just would be too much trouble to train one right now. In the end they chose two schoolgirls and four women, one willing to play the “evil-Nun-who-is-taken-against-her-will-but-joins-in” game. A couple Japanese tourists suggested “What’s wrong with the Japanese Schoolgirl fantasy?” And an older woman who they just liked for no reason at all. To Yuri, Kay commented, “We’ll thin them out later and return the rejects.”

  Y: “Ok, ladies, what we will offer is a fair share of the loot (after discussing with Arlin what ‘fair’ would be), crowded sleeping quarters, long days of mind-numbing boredom followed by hours of terrifying excitement, aliens that range from the best and worst of the horror movies you have seen and probably a short life when the criminals we cheated catch us. THAT is why we need Arlin, he is the only one who can keep us alive and for that we need him happy. And although the best way to a man’s heart is through his sternum with a blaster, we find that about eighteen inches lower is more secure for us. So you make him happy, he keeps us all alive and financially secure.”

  “Head ‘em up, move ‘em out” Yuri called and motioned to the ship which moved to over the canyon then lowered a ramp which they group climbed. The school-girls had to fight to free themselves from their babysitter and in the end she was pulled from the enlistees by her other charges who saw this as a grand adventure that they could only hope to join. “I’ll write as often as I can,” one plain schoolgirl called out to her fellows. It was clear that beauty and youth were not requirements of the crew.

&n
bsp; Once aboard, Yuri called, “Now, anyone any good at Geography because we have an atlas and have to re-supply the ship, get money to pay for the supplies, find Arlin and stay alive long enough to convince him to help us out.”

  “Can I stop and say good bye to my parents?” one of the girls asked.

  Kay smiled, “Of course, and even pack your things. We may be crooks but we aren’t savages.”